By Theo Syslack, The Pulse staff writer
I’m sure a lot of you go to the school store. Probably everyone. Candy, poptarts, soda, whatever you want, they’re probably trying to sell you. Our fine young capitalists in the Business Academy really have a special way towards our wallets. And I wanted to share what’s emptying my bank account dollar by dollar.
Guacachips.
Seriously people. I know I joke around in the column a lot, but I’m furreal here. These are probably the tastiest chips I’ve ever put in my mouthhole. They don’t have the unnecessary cheese-punch that Doritos pack, but they got a little something else in them that I can only estimate is true love. The nutrition facts don’t mention anything about it, but considering that love is an abstract concept, I don’t think they’re legally obligated to include that. Good thing too, because pure concentrated love is really high in cholesterol.
That’s what’s surprising about these chips: they’re good for you. I mean… I’m no doctor, but avocados are green, right? The only thing that’s keeping an avocado from being a head of Lettuce is that avocados are like goo inside. In a sense, avocados are just another way for Mother Nature to deliver the vegamins and vitamites of lettuce to your faceplace. And for those of you who are doubters out there, just read the package. “We use only the finest avocados for our guacamole chips.” Hear that, Wendy Weightloss? Chow down. These taste-angles (angles of taste) have nutritional value that came from straight from the ground you stand on. Well, it came from there, was sent to a factory in Mexico, dried, pounded to a powder, combined with salt and preservatives and sprinkled on deep-fried corn chips, but that middle stuff really isn’t that important. It’s like the Olympics; just watch the opening and closing ceremonies, and you’ve got a pretty good idea what’s happening in-between.
And for all you Biotech kids out there quoting your science books and pushing up your thick-rimmed glasses, hold that thought. Let’s get some experiments done. I’ll fund any experiments involving the healthiness of guacachips with whatever money I have that is not being spent on eating guacachips. So far, you’ve got about 20 bucks and a Crunch bar.