Memoir of a fish

Illustration by Alexis Steagall and Sam Reeves

*Blub. Bloop. Blub. Bloop. Blub.*



Hello weird human friends,


It is I, Woodward. I am not sure if you could tell by my advanced vocabulary and inability to live outside of water, but I am a fish. A betta fish to be more exact. I highly consider myself to be the most extraordinarily handsome betta fish in existence.

*Does jazz fins to show off fancy fish skills*

Some ask me what it is like to be a fish, but I have never been able to answer them. I suppose the language barrier proves to be a reoccurring issue. All I can do is wave my fins in their direction and hope they understand I am trying to send them on a secret mission. Fortunately, I have a bachelor’s degree in journalism, and have worked in my field for two months. Therefore, I have hired my plastic plant, Martha, as my assistant to transcribe my articles before I am caught by the coffee cup of darkness that comes once a week.

Martha just so happens to have a major crush on me. She is tall, curvy, blue/green, and sometimes waves in a zigzag pattern. We are both wanderers; Yes, I know how to use a semicolon Martha! sometimes she even comes uprooted so we can take a long swim six inches in the same direction. We have so much in common! But workplace relationships are strictly forbidden… I am so sorry Martha. Besides, the other assistant, Susan, would get jealous. Bamboo tend to get feisty, and I am not about that drama.

*A brief moment of confusion passess as Woodward attempts to figure out why a weird blonde boy is taking off his shoe*

When I am not constantly under pressure with my career, I enjoy blowing air out of my mouth and collecting a stash of bubbles in the corner of my tank. My mother loves it when I make bubble nests because she thinks I am happy and finally trying to impress the girls. But she is not ready to be a grandmother yet. I do not blame her, children are weird.


*Fingers wiggle at the top of the tank, dropping tiny bouncy balls of pellets into the water*

Oh!!! It is time for a food break! Would you like to go on a lunch date with me Martha? NO MARTHA DO NOT WRITE THAT! YOU KNOW WORKPLACE RELATIONSHIPS ARE STRICTLY AGAINST THE RULES!


It is times like these that I realize I need a new assistant….


Anyways back to looking for a charming mate. My mother refuses to buy me a girlfriend! No matter how many times I swim in circles and flick my fancy fins in her direction, the weird human only stares. I am not asking for an extraordinarily beautiful fish-woman who will feed me, and clean, and look pretty. Mom I am telling you, please just go to Petco and pick up a three dollar babe!

Perhaps she believes the alligator sticker taped to my tank will do me justice…. WAIT! Where is Bernstein the alligator? My loyal companion has gone missing! Whatever shall I do? I sense an investigative article blooming. Martha! Gather your fake plastic leaves, we are going on a mission!


Until next time my weird human friends,


With love that oddly smells of fish

-The extraordinarily handsome, mate seeking Woodward


Transcripted by

– Fake plant Martha


Written by Alexis Steagall, Editor in Chief